thoughts, blogging

Feeling Myself

I am naturally a bit of a loner, don’t get me wrong, I love my social time and boy do I thrive in it. There can be nothing better sometimes than to just spend time with a group and enjoy conversations and some laughs. But lately I have retreated a little more into my shell, I am not sure if it is because I have some big things happening on the horizon and maybe my way to process this is to just lock myself away and spend some time by myself. I found myself home alone one Saturday morning (and in my house that is a rarity). The house was quiet and I didn’t have anything to do so I thought, I know what I will do…watch porn without headphones in or on mute! I know female masturbation is a bit of taboo (apparently we don’t do it!) But I spent a good amount of time tending to my needs and fuck it was amazing! I was feeling a little melancholy pre masturbation but post masturbation I was feeling like I was floating and I did that all by myself!!! BOSS BITCH!!..

Earlier in the week I had a conversation with my Mum and sister about when my parents had ‘the talk’ with us and how it was different to the one they gave my brother. How they spoke about masturbation to him and that it was completely normal but they never mentioned it on our talks. Sure, this probably wasn’t unlike a lot of other parents when they gave the talk to their daughters. My sister said that she thought it was so wrong and spent so many years thinking it was a bad thing to do and that somehow someone would find out and she would get into trouble. I on the other hand naturally figured it out by myself (we didn’t have smart phones) and I remember thinking I had discovered this amazing thing that made me feel really happy.

We live in a society now where everyone has access to everything, we grow up faster than we ever did generations before us. But why in 2019 is female masturbation not really something that is brought up? I mean I have seen a few things here and there on various blogs or articles, but it’s not as main stream as male masturbation. It is such a natural act and yet many women keep it a secret, like it is something that’s dirty or wrong.

I remember when I stumbled upon a great T.V show Broad City and they were doing it and talking about it and I was in my early twenties thinking YES!! This is the shit we need to see and it not being sexualised but just a natural act that we as women engage in, just like men do and it’s perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed about.

I think as females we can tend to feel a bit like objects when it comes to sex but we need to turn that and be proud to be strong females who masturbate and we don’t need another person to engage in that with us (not all the time at least) but we can use masturbation as a way of reconnecting with ourselves. We have the power whether be by our own hands or the help of devices, we can make ourselves orgasm and I think we should be so fucking proud of ourselves that we can do that! Masturbation is a gift and we should embrace it and experiment with it!

Happy masturbating

G.S xx

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thoughts, blogging

Its about connection

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I’ve embarked on a new journey type thing this year.
I was feeling a certain way when conversations were constantly revolving around engagements, financial planning, house renovations, pregnancies, adopting children, fostering puppies…
My BFF almost never replied to my texts anymore and she was always buying a new dress, for some wedding, for some annoying person we went to high school with and posting it on SM and urghh – massive eye roll.

I’m like literally on tinder giving it up to guys who ask me ‘do you like your pussy being licked’ after we plan our first meet up…for coffee.
And I’m lighting up whenever I’m a little stressed over my after-pay account, let alone buying a new dress for a wedding I never get invited to.
I’m living at home with my parents because my Dad is a damn good cook, and I’m still in debt by $5000 to some lame electricity company because my old house mates never kept up their end of the bargain. So I mean, that’s where I’m at.

And to be honest with you I’m just in a romantic rut, where the guys who I’m attracted to are texting me and I still don’t give a shit.

You see, when I hear that a friend is getting married I’m SO HAPPY FOR THEM…I really am. I’m filled with this overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement and faith in love and LOVE IS REAL, ‘Hallelujah! you’re getting married?? CONGRATULATIONS!!’.
But then it hits me……sweet Jesus, I am going to die alone.

‘It’s not about sex, it’s about connection’– my BFF has told me this SO MANY TIMES over the last 12 years of our friendship. It doesn’t surprise me that she is the one in a long term committed relationship and not self-advertising on a geo matching sex app.

When I think about what I desire, what I truly want for my future….it’s a little farm with a veggie patch, a bee hive and goats, children and a long haired hippy babe who serenades to me all day long. The type of person who will be at every one of their sons soccer games and never miss a piano recital. The type that reads a bed time story to the children every night, without fail.
Deep down I feel that’s what I deserve. A drama free, cruelty free, environmentally friendly, fuckinggg sexy life!
But I also feel it’s completely unobtainable in the hook up culture we live in today (the one I totally participate in, on a regular basis btw).

Someday I want to be so madly in love and attracted to my person and I don’t ever want that to fade. I don’t want to look at my partner in 30 years and not feel the same way I did at our engagement. That shit scares me to my core!
I don’t want to have 3 months here and 6 months there of dry patches in our marriage.
What is that? we didn’t have enough ‘sexual desire’ for each other in a whole 3 months. What they doing then? Wanking off in the green house?….

People talk about making love and I’m pretty sure I’ve made love once…maybe NEVER in my entire life.
I don’t even think I know what making love means but I know it’s not bad sex.
LOL, You know the type of sex where they roll over once they’re done and you’re having to finish yourself off? FUCK OFF that makes me so mad.
I just gave you the performance of my life, I was the fucking head angel, the blow job fairy. I let you fuck me reverse cowgirl and I’m sorry dude, I know I like to think I have thighs of steel, but I DON’T.
And sure- you’re getting a marvellous sight back there but I’m about to fake being really bad at this, so you end up bending me over and doing all the work.
THAT IS SHIT SEX!!

I’m 27, please treat me like I just spent $17 on an uber to get here and shaved from my eyebrows down, it’s called respect.

Then of course there’s the good sex, it makes us crazy.
Crazy fucking obsessed, the type that leaves us thinking we’re in love.
Cant stop talking about them, cant stop thinking about them, cant stop stalking their IG account, cant stop texting them.
Then they ruin like a month of our lives by not being the person we built them up to be. Good sex = Don’t be fooled.

But what even is making love?
I assume it’s what my BFF was talking about for all these years, connection.
Where your hearts become as one and you can feel each other and know each other’s thoughts like some sort of Magic, it’s spiritual and soulful.

Ok, so that’s a bit full on.

But it brings me back to my initial point of embarking on some journey – call it a revelation, an epiphany.
When I look back it makes me sad all the fucks I gave, all the giving it up for these jerkoffs and losers who had the best fucking nights sleep of their lives because of me and I had to find my own way home.

What a waste of time, what a waste of money and what a waste of MAKEUP.

I know that I’m in no state to find my true love. My long haired hippy, my goat lover, my muso, my ‘we’re doing it for the kids’ type person … but I think the wait might be worth it.

So to a journey of taking control of my life. Here’s to me, my vagina and my future
– God help us.

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Ef. xx