thoughts, blogging

HIGH MAINTENANCE

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Last week I went interstate for some birthday celebrations. It was my 28th and I didn’t want to make a big deal about making a big deal about it, but it was a big deal…..
I was saying RIP to the 27 club and embracing my new look pushing 30. My friends are either that little bit older than me or that little bit behind me and I really felt like I was paving the way turning 28. This was a big deal.

If you haven’t realised by now, I’m all for learning and the one thing I learnt last week is how HIGH MAINTENANCE I AM.
My close friends know it and never fail to remind me, but it honestly didn’t register to me until I fell sick with the dreaded flu on my trip.

Now, I’m all for being independent. Despite living at home with my parents and having most of my dinners cooked for me, I’d say I’m an independent woman. I have a strong mind. I do me… most of the time.
I pay my own bills, buy my own shit, get myself from A to B. I do my own washing, I’m not one to leave the dishes or my personal space in a mess …
So I’m Independent? …. right?

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Anyway, I’m on one of my flights, (window seat) and I start FREAKING out. If you’ve ever flown with the flu before, you’ll know it’s really uncomfortable to say the least. My eardrums felt like they were about to rupture, my brain was going to explode, and I literally could not breathe from my nose and every two minutes I was coughing up a dry lung. Awful! I was ringing the bell for a flight attendant constantly. I needed a blanket, I needed ear plugs, paracetamol, 4 bottles of water, a black tea no sugar, I needed a hot wet towel to dampen my face, (I mean honestly).
I look back now and wonder who the hell I think I am. But at the time my maintenance level was at an all-time high.

To top it off, when I ordered my Uber from the airport, my driver didn’t clock that I had a 23kg suitcase plus extra luggage and stayed seated in his driver’s seat – smfh. I could have cried. He popped the boot and I felt like rating him then and there and telling him to fuck off. But I didn’t, I threw the luggage into the boot and hopped in the back seat. I felt so hard done by, I didn’t say a word the entire trip and tried super hard not to sneeze.

It got me thinking though, is this why I’m still single? Because I’m a demanding little shit? Like, is the Uber driver meant to get out of the car and assist me with my bags? Or is that just something I expect? Is this how I’ve treated those I’ve dated and why they think I’m a selfish twit?
LOL whoops.

IMG_9046Skip through to my last day before flying home. I was staying with one of my besties and my bad mood was at its peak. I had lost so much sleep throughout the week and I just wanted to have some damn fun! I was ready to spend hundreds on an emergency flight just to get back to my own bed a day earlier #dramatic. I sat in her bed miserable, crying, feeling sorry for myself and complaining about my nails and my red Rudolph nose. I watched as she got out the essential oils and turned on the diffuser, warmed me up a heat pack, handed me a herbal tea and an assortment of drugs, closed the blinds and booked me a manicure appointment!!!!!
Uhmm who needs a partner when you have a bestie who treats you like a princess?

In light of what a damn good friend I have, I decided to really suck it up and go out for the last night of my trip. The last week of travels had been so tiring I can’t even bring myself to write about it but I thought, ‘tonight I’ll go out with my flu, hand in hand’.
I must say, I’m thankful for my Fenty beauty cause’ it’s the only reason my makeup stayed on through 79 sessions of me sneezing and blowing my nose in-between dances.
I was an entitled little brat all night. I made the bar tender make me a cocktail he had never heard of and didn’t serve at the club. I held up the girl’s bathroom line like I was Beyoncé, and I asked the DJ to play me a birthday song on a ‘no requests no regrets’ night. I gave no fucks. I told management they need to get with the times and ditch the plastic straws and I asked for the outside heaters on deck to be moved to the corner I was sitting in because – ‘flu season’.

IMG_9047All in all it was a great night, but I suffered for it the next day on my flight home. Thank fuck I was flying with Qantas on my way home because their service was on point. I was handed a packet of tissues and 3 little bottles of water, (I didn’t even need to ring the bell.) #economybitches

So maybe I’m not so ‘independent’, I came home to a warm arse bed and my Dads home cooked soup. My vaporiser was already steaming, and I could feel that my sheets had been freshly washed.
I know now that when I’m not feeling good, I basically expect everyone to fall at my knees and give in to my demands, including the bar tender and club management on a night out. But is that so bad?

Here’s a quote from Rachel Hollis that I probably should have read before my birthday trip.
“The difficult seasons we walk through are how we learn to build up strength to manage any situation”

There’s nothing like realising that what everyone’s always told you about yourself is true. I know I’m demanding, I know I’m high maintenance and possibly not as independent as id like to be. I like to have things done my way and when things start to go wrong I.flip.the.fuck.out.
I guess the hard shit we go through, whether it be *really hard* or falling sick with the flu on holiday, sets us up for growth. We get through it, we grow stronger and we are better equipped for the next thing life throws at us.
IMG_9050PS. Thanks to my babe for putting up with my shit. God bless you.

Ef. xx

thoughts, blogging

#Twentyseven lessons

#1 Life is better with coffee.

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It’s my 28th birthday in a few weeks and it’s got me thinking about the last year. 27 is an important age, I knew it when I was younger and I sure as hell know it now. The year that makes or breaks you. I’ve cried a lot, laughed a lot, smashed a few more glasses but the lessons I’ve learned make me feel pretty damn grown up.
So- to the 27 lessons that have made me, thank you, for not breaking me.

#2 It all starts with being kind to yourself.

#3 If someone is meant to be in your life they’ll make the effort, they’ll show the fuck up.

#4 Don’t force situations or people, let things come and go as they please.

#5 Don’t chase anything that doesn’t speak to you.

#6 I am definitely allergic to cats.

#7 Don’t reconnect with toxic people in fear of being lonely, there’s nothing more beautiful than learning to be alone and fucking off the people who did wrong by you.

#8 Three words – Lush.Face.Mask.

#9 Be picky with who you invest your time with. Don’t waste money. Don’t waste makeup.

#10 Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

#11 Its okay to just be….

#12 Audio books are overrated.

#13 It’s hard to change yourself, it’s even harder to change someone else. The idea is – don’t waste your energy trying to change someone else. Focus on changing yourself or how you perceive other people. Or hey, maybe…don’t change a god damn thing.

#14 Trust yourself.

#15 What doesn’t kill you, will nourish you.

#16 Be honest with yourself.

#17 Give it three days…….

#18  ‘You won’t always be strong but you can always be brave’ – Beau Taplin.

#19 Never undervalue yourself.

#20 An ‘all nighter’ can ruin your week, lack of sleep destroys your soul.

#21 Spend time with people who are good for your mental health, if someone is draining you, take a step back.

#22 Focus on what you have, not on what’s missing – practice gratitude.

#23 Never underestimate the power of a good cry.

#24 Babies are cute, babies are also a lot of work.

#25 Don’t feel bad about breaking the rules.

#26 Bread, I can not quit bread.

#27 And last of all, feel a little bad for those who never go a little crazy.

I used to hate the idea of growing older and sometimes it still plays on my mind.
But if a struggle followed by a lesson comes every now and then, and helps me grow into the bad arse bitch I aspire to be, then bring on the ages.

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Ef. xx

thoughts, blogging

Bench yourself for a bit

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An ex once said to me ‘you have no idea what it means to be in a relationship with anyone other than yourself’. So in other words I’m a selfish fuck.
Another dude I was dating, told me that I’m the most extreme woman he’s ever met, (and I refuse to take that as anything but a compliment).
But the selfish dig, cut me deep. It cut deep because truer words had never been spoken.

Their idea of a relationship was ‘making me work, so we can work to work it out’ like a Michael fucking Bublé song and my idea was…..different…..
‘You don’t agree with me? no worries – you’re about to clean up 13 plates I just smashed on the kitchen floor, have fun with that!’ 
Not so ‘Michael Bublé’ of me.

And sometimes I beat myself up a little, for not being in the dating game anymore. Another week, another month goes past and I’ve watched 7 different series on Netflix, 28 movies and read 6 books all the while my life partner is out there being a hoe. OR WORSE they are out there thinking they’re in love with someone else.
But the thing is – I had to take myself out. Mentally I’m not ready to join in on the ‘fun’ again. I’ve gone on a couple of dates here and there (fucking bore war), left dating sites active and my tinder app going but somethings just fucking off and its probably me.
3 years later and I’m still holding on to words said by my ex like they are paper clipped to my soul.

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I think I’m smart enough to know that I’m off at the moment and should take myself out of the game but some guys are idiots, some girls are idiots too. They’re dating around in hope they’ll find ‘the one’ and they have major baggage they’re lugging around.
In my expert opinion they should just bench themselves for a while, sort it out and make some fucking peace with it all.

Benching yourself: to take yourself out of the dating game for a period of time to focus on personal growth.

I mean the baggage I’m talking about is excessive though; You’ve got ex-wives you’re still living with because it’s cheaper than re-buying, you’ve got two baby mummas, three kids, recently divorced but your single now and ready.to.get.hitched. You’re like 39yrs old and heartbroken that she said no, you keep the engagement ring in a tiny box on your bedside table as a reminder of the love you had AND you 420 all day because you’re dealing with some intense energies from a past life. FUCK.

Dude, your mental health should be a priority.

Girls are no better, the attention to every detail of our baggage and heart ache is incredible – we literally use it as an excuse for being a hot mess. A cheating ex bf, a stoning piece of shit, a narcissistic fuck – you name him, we’ve been there.
It contributes to our pain, it makes us who we are and we lug it into our dating life, then into our relationships and then we blow up and smash all the wine glasses.
Fucking bench. We all need to be benching ourselves.

When you learn to love yourself, your taste in men will change.

And I get it, some days I wake up wishing there was a match-making fairy god mother or whatever. When I’m in bed, period as fuck, I wish I had someone who would bring me an English breakfast on demand. I genuinely wish that the love of my life would come knocking on my door.
That happened to my Spray Tan Lady, she was telling me the story of how she met her husband.
He was her bin man and he would knock on her door each week to remind her to take the bins out so he could empty them with his truck. One week she heard him drive past and he hadn’t knocked on to remind her, so she ran outside chasing his truck down the street screaming, ‘STOPPP, YOU FORGOT MY BINS!!’
When he stopped, they both laughed and ended up exchanging numbers after a funny conversation. They’ve now been married 20 years and have 6 kids!!
I know deep down that she is the exception to the rule, but wouldn’t it be nice?

It’s scary to think that we need to be meeting a certain amount of people these days before we find the one and only. But given people are dating when they should be benching I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised that I’ve momentarily fallen in love a couple of times. Then BAM – they show their true colours and make me feel sick as fuck.

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It’s insane how personal growth can make you let go of the people you swore you couldn’t live without. It’s also insane how many people are willing to put themselves on hold for the sake of not being alone.

My babe G.S is back in the dating game now and from the side lines, she’s killing it. When I think about taking control of my life, I think taking control of the situations I’m in and where those situations will lead me. And she is taking control and being upfront from the get go, assertive as fuck.
So, if you are also taking control of your life and making good choices to get what you desire because you have a strong mind and know what’s good for you – then you should probably ignore my post about benching yourself.

But if you’re not like G.S, your minds ticking 100 miles an hour and your shitty choices are on overdrive. Bench yourself for a bit. You’ll realise a lot.

 

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Ef. xx

thoughts, blogging

How much do you love yourself?

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How much do you love yourself?
If you really think about it, how kind are you to you?

When we think about ourselves the first things we point out are our flaws, it’s become natural to do so, we all do it.
But sometimes we can go too far with the negative self-talk and before we know it…we’re caught up in something more harmful.
As women we all feel pressure to look a certain way but remain modest about ourselves because we don’t want to be seen as a ‘bitch’ or ‘up ourselves’.
I want to share my personal story of body image in hope that it might just make someone in a similar situation think twice.

I suppose I am tall, I stand at 172cm and I weigh what’s deemed a healthy BMI.
I have always eaten super healthy and taken care of my body. As kids my parents didn’t shower us with sugary foods or take- away very often. I have fond memories of my mum picking me and my siblings up from school, we would come home to a platter of broccoli and carrot with hummus. As a treat on a rainy day it was 2-minute noodles and a warm Milo (which I still crave now whenever it rains).
But as I got older, (for me this happened post High School which I am told is rarer) I developed an eating disorder, Anorexia.
You see, I left school and I realised the world of being a young female was pretty damn scary in a way. To be thin was and still is deemed desirable and when I was in school social media wasn’t as huge as it is now, the Kardashians weren’t a thing. Big booties and lip fillers weren’t the latest craze.

Initially, my reasons were to be as healthy as I possibly could be and let me tell you that slope gets really slippery really quick.

I was in my first year of University, I was studying a Bachelor of Science majoring in Nutritional Medicine. I had this idea in my head of how a Nutritionist was meant to look
and boy did I cling to that image like my nephew grabbing my hair, tight really tight.
I want to say I was 23 but my short-term memory is poor now. I was living out of home, I had a very sick brother and I was stressed – I was beyond stressed. And the way I deal with stress is gym (normally that’s fine) but the amount of time I was spending at the gym became scary. I wasn’t eating anything to fuel my body and for a while you think you can handle it all, that you’ve got it under control….. well little secret, it’s a fucking bitch of a disease. It grips you so tight that you aren’t you anymore, you become this version of you who is angry and scared and lashes out at the people you love.

I spent a lot of time in and out of doctors rooms, attached to various monitors that checked for everything, all in the hope that I could be freed from this horrible grip it had me under. But its grip is so strong, it’s terrifying. Over the next 18 months it had me prisoner, I couldn’t go to see friends, Uni became awfully hard, to even think just hurt my brain and I couldn’t walk very far away from my mum because I was afraid I’d faint.
My poor family had to watch me go through this, all the while my brother was so ill he was in hospital for months.

Anorexia isolates you.
In the beginning it seems like your friend, ‘you can do another 30 minutes of exercise easy!’ or ‘don’t eat that, girl think of how much time it takes to work off’.
It takes over your body and uses you as a vessel and in order for it to get stronger it sucks its energy from you.
It took two years from my life and left me with health issues as a souvenir.
I didn’t have a life for that entire time, people looked at me with pity and judgement in their eyes. I barely slept and if I did sleep, it was only a few hours here and there and I needed my mum next to me. I was lucky that she was there to hold my hand through the entire thing and to this day when I bring up that period in time I can see the sad look on her face and it kills me inside.

I have recovered now, I wouldn’t say 100% more like 90%. I still have thoughts that I have to deal with every day. I still see a psychologist to help me even years later to rid my mental health of that obnoxious weed.
But I can say with 100% certainty I love who I am, I love my body that kept me alive for those two years when I treated it so horribly.
I love me and I am more than just a size on a tag or a pimple that pops up at the most annoying of times. I treat my body like the temple it is, I feed myself food that will nourish me and I practice mindfulness….
Why? because I am human and while I am in this suit for hire I am going to treat myself with the upmost love and respect I deserve.
So why not start loving yourself a little more.
There is never a thing as too much love. I wish that self love was the norm.
Start simple, when you wake up each day and look in the mirror, tell yourself you are a boss bitch and you’ve got this!
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G.S xx