Boundaries, Connection, Balance

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I have to be honest with you, I’ve been running on empty.  And I dont mean I’ve been surviving on little sleep each day – I mean that by the time bed time comes around again, I have to remind myself ‘a good nights sleep’ is the one thing that will get me through another day. Running.On.Empty.
Sometimes we need more than a good sleep each night to get us through a busy week. Sometimes a good nights sleep just doesn’t cut it.

I remember when I was in my early 20’s I could survive on very little sleep, every single day was exciting and every night was even more exciting than the last. I didn’t mind getting little sleep each night, in-fact I was prone to taking quick naps during my lunch break so I would have more energy to enjoy my night. I didn’t run on empty. My life was fascinating. I was running on whatever fuelled my soul. Now at 28? not so much.
Is it that I’m getting older or has life become a disappointment? I’m not sure, but that’s for another post.IMG_9748But the one thing I do know – I can be very ‘all or nothing’. You know those people who are ‘all work’ and no play or they are ‘all play’ and no work. They either save every cent they earn or they go on a spending binge until they have nothing left. One month they’re claiming to be a sugar addict and the next they’re on a strict sugar free diet……All or Nothing – that’s me. Hi.

Being the ‘all or nothing’ type person I am, I recently tried to set some boundaries in my life. I felt like there wasn’t enough time in the day to achieve what I needed to achieve. I decided to go on a massive cull and remove my social life, my down time and any other distractions from my planner and just focus on what needs to be done.
Bad mistake.
I was already running a little low. My soul was already starting to feel a little disconnected and my days were already getting that little bit too repetitive and THEN I decided to make it worse by removing break time and replacing it with work time.
IMG_9750So- setting harsh boundaries for myself lasted as much as a few days before it became quite clear to me that I needed more. I needed balance. A balance of everything that needs to be done, something to look forward to, and some downtime.
I love the Virgo in me. But the one thing a Virgo needs to be reminded of is – self care.
You can’t really expect to be performing as your best self if you aren’t first taking care of yourself. And taking care of yourself includes a mix of social time and down time…. believe it or not.  Connecting with others and then reconnecting with yourself.
But away from work, away from study. Away from the mundane routine of life that we all have to be apart of every single day. And at the same time setting some damn boundaries. I know … WTF. But when I thought about it some more it was quite simple.

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So downtime isn’t exactly binging on Netflix for 8 hours if it means you get behind on your studies. Rather fitting in a couple of hours to catch up on an episode or two in-between study sessions. It doesn’t mean going on a bender for a weekend and getting run down, rather a night out a month- away from all responsibilities to let your hair out.
It doesn’t mean ALWAYS saying no and it doesn’t mean ALWAYS say yes. Its finding a balance that works for you. Setting boundaries that feel right to you.
Staying connected and then reconnecting with yourself.

AND can I just say that sleep is GREAT.  9 hours of sleep each night really helps to get me through another day for sure. But there’s got to be more to life than just work, study, eat, sleep and repeat. Looking forward to bed time, is that a good sign? At 28?
I mean when I was 24 I could think of nothing worse, I just wanted to embrace my life.
There’s got to be a life to look forward to after work, between study sessions, after dinner and when you wake up in the morning.
Sleep shouldn’t be the one thing that keeps you going. Your life should.

Ef xx
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Its about connection

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I’ve embarked on a new journey type thing this year.
I was feeling a certain way when conversations were constantly revolving around engagements, financial planning, house renovations, pregnancies, adopting children, fostering puppies…
My BFF almost never replied to my texts anymore and she was always buying a new dress, for some wedding, for some annoying person we went to high school with and posting it on SM and urghh – massive eye roll.

I’m like literally on tinder giving it up to guys who ask me ‘do you like your pussy being licked’ after we plan our first meet up…for coffee.
And I’m lighting up whenever I’m a little stressed over my after-pay account, let alone buying a new dress for a wedding I never get invited to.
I’m living at home with my parents because my Dad is a damn good cook, and I’m still in debt by $5000 to some lame electricity company because my old house mates never kept up their end of the bargain. So I mean, that’s where I’m at.

And to be honest with you I’m just in a romantic rut, where the guys who I’m attracted to are texting me and I still don’t give a shit.

You see, when I hear that a friend is getting married I’m SO HAPPY FOR THEM…I really am. I’m filled with this overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement and faith in love and LOVE IS REAL, ‘Hallelujah! you’re getting married?? CONGRATULATIONS!!’.
But then it hits me……sweet Jesus, I am going to die alone.

‘It’s not about sex, it’s about connection’– my BFF has told me this SO MANY TIMES over the last 12 years of our friendship. It doesn’t surprise me that she is the one in a long term committed relationship and not self-advertising on a geo matching sex app.

When I think about what I desire, what I truly want for my future….it’s a little farm with a veggie patch, a bee hive and goats, children and a long haired hippy babe who serenades to me all day long. The type of person who will be at every one of their sons soccer games and never miss a piano recital. The type that reads a bed time story to the children every night, without fail.
Deep down I feel that’s what I deserve. A drama free, cruelty free, environmentally friendly, fuckinggg sexy life!
But I also feel it’s completely unobtainable in the hook up culture we live in today (the one I totally participate in, on a regular basis btw).

Someday I want to be so madly in love and attracted to my person and I don’t ever want that to fade. I don’t want to look at my partner in 30 years and not feel the same way I did at our engagement. That shit scares me to my core!
I don’t want to have 3 months here and 6 months there of dry patches in our marriage.
What is that? we didn’t have enough ‘sexual desire’ for each other in a whole 3 months. What they doing then? Wanking off in the green house?….

People talk about making love and I’m pretty sure I’ve made love once…maybe NEVER in my entire life.
I don’t even think I know what making love means but I know it’s not bad sex.
LOL, You know the type of sex where they roll over once they’re done and you’re having to finish yourself off? FUCK OFF that makes me so mad.
I just gave you the performance of my life, I was the fucking head angel, the blow job fairy. I let you fuck me reverse cowgirl and I’m sorry dude, I know I like to think I have thighs of steel, but I DON’T.
And sure- you’re getting a marvellous sight back there but I’m about to fake being really bad at this, so you end up bending me over and doing all the work.
THAT IS SHIT SEX!!

I’m 27, please treat me like I just spent $17 on an uber to get here and shaved from my eyebrows down, it’s called respect.

Then of course there’s the good sex, it makes us crazy.
Crazy fucking obsessed, the type that leaves us thinking we’re in love.
Cant stop talking about them, cant stop thinking about them, cant stop stalking their IG account, cant stop texting them.
Then they ruin like a month of our lives by not being the person we built them up to be. Good sex = Don’t be fooled.

But what even is making love?
I assume it’s what my BFF was talking about for all these years, connection.
Where your hearts become as one and you can feel each other and know each other’s thoughts like some sort of Magic, it’s spiritual and soulful.

Ok, so that’s a bit full on.

But it brings me back to my initial point of embarking on some journey – call it a revelation, an epiphany.
When I look back it makes me sad all the fucks I gave, all the giving it up for these jerkoffs and losers who had the best fucking nights sleep of their lives because of me and I had to find my own way home.

What a waste of time, what a waste of money and what a waste of MAKEUP.

I know that I’m in no state to find my true love. My long haired hippy, my goat lover, my muso, my ‘we’re doing it for the kids’ type person … but I think the wait might be worth it.

So to a journey of taking control of my life. Here’s to me, my vagina and my future
– God help us.

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Ef. xx