Its about connection

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I’ve embarked on a new journey type thing this year.
I was feeling a certain way when conversations were constantly revolving around engagements, financial planning, house renovations, pregnancies, adopting children, fostering puppies…
My BFF almost never replied to my texts anymore and she was always buying a new dress, for some wedding, for some annoying person we went to high school with and posting it on SM and urghh – massive eye roll.

I’m like literally on tinder giving it up to guys who ask me ‘do you like your pussy being licked’ after we plan our first meet up…for coffee.
And I’m lighting up whenever I’m a little stressed over my after-pay account, let alone buying a new dress for a wedding I never get invited to.
I’m living at home with my parents because my Dad is a damn good cook, and I’m still in debt by $5000 to some lame electricity company because my old house mates never kept up their end of the bargain. So I mean, that’s where I’m at.

And to be honest with you I’m just in a romantic rut, where the guys who I’m attracted to are texting me and I still don’t give a shit.

You see, when I hear that a friend is getting married I’m SO HAPPY FOR THEM…I really am. I’m filled with this overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement and faith in love and LOVE IS REAL, ‘Hallelujah! you’re getting married?? CONGRATULATIONS!!’.
But then it hits me……sweet Jesus, I am going to die alone.

‘It’s not about sex, it’s about connection’– my BFF has told me this SO MANY TIMES over the last 12 years of our friendship. It doesn’t surprise me that she is the one in a long term committed relationship and not self-advertising on a geo matching sex app.

When I think about what I desire, what I truly want for my future….it’s a little farm with a veggie patch, a bee hive and goats, children and a long haired hippy babe who serenades to me all day long. The type of person who will be at every one of their sons soccer games and never miss a piano recital. The type that reads a bed time story to the children every night, without fail.
Deep down I feel that’s what I deserve. A drama free, cruelty free, environmentally friendly, fuckinggg sexy life!
But I also feel it’s completely unobtainable in the hook up culture we live in today (the one I totally participate in, on a regular basis btw).

Someday I want to be so madly in love and attracted to my person and I don’t ever want that to fade. I don’t want to look at my partner in 30 years and not feel the same way I did at our engagement. That shit scares me to my core!
I don’t want to have 3 months here and 6 months there of dry patches in our marriage.
What is that? we didn’t have enough ‘sexual desire’ for each other in a whole 3 months. What they doing then? Wanking off in the green house?….

People talk about making love and I’m pretty sure I’ve made love once…maybe NEVER in my entire life.
I don’t even think I know what making love means but I know it’s not bad sex.
LOL, You know the type of sex where they roll over once they’re done and you’re having to finish yourself off? FUCK OFF that makes me so mad.
I just gave you the performance of my life, I was the fucking head angel, the blow job fairy. I let you fuck me reverse cowgirl and I’m sorry dude, I know I like to think I have thighs of steel, but I DON’T.
And sure- you’re getting a marvellous sight back there but I’m about to fake being really bad at this, so you end up bending me over and doing all the work.
THAT IS SHIT SEX!!

I’m 27, please treat me like I just spent $17 on an uber to get here and shaved from my eyebrows down, it’s called respect.

Then of course there’s the good sex, it makes us crazy.
Crazy fucking obsessed, the type that leaves us thinking we’re in love.
Cant stop talking about them, cant stop thinking about them, cant stop stalking their IG account, cant stop texting them.
Then they ruin like a month of our lives by not being the person we built them up to be. Good sex = Don’t be fooled.

But what even is making love?
I assume it’s what my BFF was talking about for all these years, connection.
Where your hearts become as one and you can feel each other and know each other’s thoughts like some sort of Magic, it’s spiritual and soulful.

Ok, so that’s a bit full on.

But it brings me back to my initial point of embarking on some journey – call it a revelation, an epiphany.
When I look back it makes me sad all the fucks I gave, all the giving it up for these jerkoffs and losers who had the best fucking nights sleep of their lives because of me and I had to find my own way home.

What a waste of time, what a waste of money and what a waste of MAKEUP.

I know that I’m in no state to find my true love. My long haired hippy, my goat lover, my muso, my ‘we’re doing it for the kids’ type person … but I think the wait might be worth it.

So to a journey of taking control of my life. Here’s to me, my vagina and my future
– God help us.

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Ef. xx

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